It's the journey.

Some days, i crave for something to enrich my soul, rekindle my passion or just to feel a little more human.

Today, I am re-reading one of my favorite books "The Alchemist"just to remind me that it's not always the destination that matters in life.

Imbalance

Psychiatry is probably one of  the areas I am weak at as far as dealing with patients.

 I always thought of myself as a very empathetic person, but i feel like im one of those nurses who would rather deal with physical exhaustion than emotional/mental one. That is why (i even said this before), I can never be a Psych Nurse.

 The problem is because i connect with other people easily and i can  put myself in their shoes, and it hurts me.

Growing up in the Philippines, I have always thought that other countries make a big deal of mental health illnesses. I was raised to believe that just because someone feels depressed- doesn't mean they have depression, which is probably true in some cases. And i really hated it when people call someone "bipolar" just because that person is moody. I thought it was very offensive.

But i learned and i knew all along that our mood, emotions are all linked to our body's chemistry. Certain neurotransmitters/hormones (dopamine, serotonin etc) regulate and coordinate  the way feel. And if there's an imbalance, (just how it is for a other illnesses like Hypertension, diabetes), you're not going to feel/be normal. (what is normal, anyways? lol)

I still do feel though that there are instances in our life where we are allowed to be "imbalanced" in some way. We're humans after all. The feelings that we feel and how we react to situations makes us what we are- humans. I feel like most people falter into the deep hole of mental illness because of the combination of bad coping strategies, poor support system and a series of mishaps in life.

Don't get me wrong, i don't judge people who are diagnosed with mental health illness. Mental Health illness, just like with any other illnesses have to be going on for awhile (talking about months, years....) in order to have a proper diagnosis.

I just wish that everyone can buy that time to feel better and put get their balance back when something bad happens in their life. 

Whole point of this post i guess is:
1. Everyone comes from all walks of life and go through different types of hell, so don't judge.
2. Mental health is as important as physical health
3. It's always important to have good coping strategies and support system in life
-- and if  you have them, don't forget to seek for them when you're feeling low/sad. (This blog is my outlet. ;])

Hah, this post is random but psychiatry lectures for grad school got me to look back at my post 6 years ago about my Psych rotations when i was still in nursing school.

How do you that with your eyes?

Your fingers are mine, as they intertwine,

You're telling me words unspoken

Our fingers align, as they intertwine,

You break my heart wide open

There's beauty in chaos

Had the craziest shift today in Cardiac ICU taking care of a really sick patient who was on ECMO. No matter how many times i say that I hated going to work, i really love the beauty in chaos that happens in the ICU. Code blue, christmas tree of IV pumps, alarms going off every second, labeled tubings, ventilators, nonstop blood transfusions, saving lives.. I have always dreamed of myself as a critical care nurse & even though im on my venture to a new career, i know i will always be one

Sad songs.

When it gives you both sadness and comfort at the same time.

Melancholy

Music is so powerful.

It's poetry, it's an art.. a gift.

Songs are written through the stories and eyes of musicians but they left us with the opportunity to take every emotion and vulnerability of every words and connect our souls to them . It's amazing. I especially love songs that has deep emotional lyrics that can be interpreted so many ways.

Today, I was listening to Your Guardian Angel by Red jumpsuit Apparatus

Here are my favorites lyrics:

Use me as you will

Pull my strings just for a thrill

And I know, I'll be okay

Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall

I'll stand up with you forever

I'll be there for you through it all

Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

Unrequited love is always beautiful and sad at the same time. 

Idle

I hate being idle.

Idle times call for idle thoughts.

and usually... idle thoughts are bad.

Dying Flame

"When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision.

You have to work out whether your roots are to become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

Because this is what love is.

  Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No ... don't blush. I am telling you some truths.

 For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is!" -Louis de Bernières

Soulmates.

"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." 

New Beginnings

"Boredom so often follows contentment. Contentment (or at least its low-grade substitute, comfort) is not meant to be a fixture. It is like a sunbeam… never lingering, just passing through. We cannot hold it forever in our hands. 

Here I am once again, feeling that itch that comes after enjoying a prolonged period of having almost everything I need.

I think I’m ready for the unpredictable again.."

My life frustrations at the moment.

The only way i really feel better and being able to express myself is through words. Words that are not necessarily intended for someone. Through writing, i feel a sense of ease, like something huge is lifted off my shoulder.

Lately, I have been feeling very... lost. 

I know I am not myself if i don't  feel like I give 110% of what i have to the things i do.

Graduate school has been a blur lately.

Often times, I try to REALLY convince myself it's just a phase. I was in denial. I just needed to rekindle my passion.

I think it has a lot to do w/ giving up the things in life that makes me happy. It's not easy.

I find myself questioning WHY.

Why did i do this? Why did i quit my job? Why did i move away from family?

And it sucks you know? Because we always make life decisions with the thought that it will all be worth it in the end.

I am currently in a hanging bridge and the unpredictable path is killing me in the inside.

Where do i go after this? What would i do? What now? 

I HATE UNCERTAINTY.

I have always had my life planned.

Now, i still question a lot. and maybe, that's okay. 

It's a cycle I must overcome..

Very Timely.

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Chesire cat in a tree.

"Which road do I take?" she asked.

Where do you want to go?" was his response.

"I don't know," Alice answered.

"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

Baby Steps

I can't believe that 2014 is over. I know that it's cliche, but time really does fly by fast. 2015 is finally here.

With a new year comes new opportunies for growth.

2014 has been a rollercoaster ride for me. The feeling of losing something that was/is important to me was painful (still hurting). I have lost loved ones and friendships. I realized that not even intangible things are permanent. There are just some broken things that cant be mended by the word "sorry". At the same time, the feeling of a new path ahead and new experiences has lifted up my spirit. The crazy yin-yang of life. Why do we have to hurt to learn?

On another thought,why do i have to be so damn emotional, empathetic at this time of the month? (gosh i hate being a woman sometimes)

After the passing of my grandma last October, i felt really shattered. Two months after, my grandpa joined her in paradise. I was devastated. Miserable. I was barely recovering from the pain, and i felt like i just took another bullet shot to the chest. How do you get up from being thrown down twice? I was lost.

I didn't feel motivated to do anything productive. I lost interest in working out, eating healthy, and going out of the house (cold weather and living far from family and jeff didn't help as well). All i wanted to do is lay down in my bed for hours, play videogames and be alone. I think this was the first time in a long time when i actually felt depressed about something. And i hated talking about it with someone because in my mind, i didn't want to bother my loved ones with such silly, indulgent conversation. In the process of fighting my own battles, I felt like I have pushed some people away. Those who wanted to care and who wanted to get me out of the trap that i have created myself. It sucked.

Anyways, i feel a little better now. Just like any wounds, my broken self needed time to heal.

I welcome the new year with new hopes for experiences that will help me become a better, stronger person. I might be taking baby steps, but atleast I am walking forward..

It was meant to be.

I have a strong feeling that God really does work wonders.

My parents came today to help me look for apartments. After 2 days of driving around, calling property managements and scheduling appointments, I was about ready to just give up.

Then this morning, I found a unit that was close to my work, cheaper and in fairly safe neighborhood. I put in my application and hopefully, will get a call tomorrow telling me that I'm approved. *crosses fingers*

Apartment Hunting SUCKS

Actually it is the thought of moving.. for now.

I don't know how military families do it.

When i moved to America almost 10 years ago, I thought that that was one of the hardest transition and adaptation i have to do in my life by far. I had to leave my highschool friends, relatives, childhood, and memories behind. I was only 16 back then, and I felt like i just flipped a new book in my life.

Since then, moving from house to house seemed a little easier. I guess it was because we did it as a team, as a family. Looking back, it was actually a blur of how we were able to move all our stuff from our old house to the one we have right now. It was like magic!

Then i had to grow up and move out of my parent's house. Now, I have to do the moving mostly on my own. I thought that I was going to stay in my first apartment for a long time. But a year later today, here i am, at my wits end trying to find a cheap, decent new home.

As we grow, our needs grow as well. Expectations changed and we have to keep on moving forward.

Apartment Hunting.

This has been my home for the past year. I decorated it with my mom. I furnished it during the first week. 

Growing up, I have seen how my mother was. She takes pride in knowing that the things she own, she bought with her hard-earned money. 

I might have gone overboard on my first apartment. I know some people told me "You could've saved a lot of money by rooming with someone else",  "You shouldn't have furnished your first apartment like that". etc. 

The thing is, I am a grown woman. I have a career. I don't want to deprive myself from owning the things I like to own. I like going home to a place like this after a long night at work. 

Although I am in the process of finding another apartment right now, I am glad that I was able to spend my first year moving out of my parent's house in an apartment like this. :) 

With plans changed, more bills to cover and tuition fees coming up, I need to be little more practical with money.

The apartment hunting will once again commence... 

For we travel not to escape life, but for life not to escape us.

Flights booked for my trip to Colorado, Philippines, Thailand & Vietnam for Summer. 

This is why i work hard- so i can travel. 

Quarter Life Crisis

I am now on my second cup of coffee, and it's only 9:20pm. 

I feel the urge to write, because unlike a normal person who turns to a friend and a cup of vodka when they are baffled with life decisions , I express myself better when i scribble my thoughts.

Lately, not sure if it's hormonal or not (it's the time of the month), that I have been feeling unhappy. 

Most of the time, i prefer to actually just be alone and drown myself with a tub of ice cream and sappy songs. (God, im so freaking emotional) 

For some reason today, i looked up the term "quarter-life crisis"

Figured, i need to do find some explanation as to why I am feeling this way. LOL. 

There was an article that i came across and it's entitled "10 signs you are having quarter-life ccrisis". I read the article, i nodded to most of it and realized that 75% of the content applies to me right now. 

Is that normal?

Honestly, i think i have OCD. obsessive comparison disorder. I rarely get on my facebook anymore because people my age are posting about their weddings, engagements, having babies etc... No, I am not jealous of them, in fact, I am glad for them. I think it's just I have this devil inside my head asking me "How about you? What are you doing? you're supposed to be like that too". 

Sometimes I wish I am not as obsessive with a SET future. 

Ever since I was a kid, I have always laid out a blue print of what my life will become, what roads I have to take, who I want to be. And there's nothing wrong with having goals in life. It's just for me, I tend to expect that in this rollercoaster ride of a life- that it will turn out exactly how i planned it all along. 

AND IT NEVER DOES. 

I question now, since when did life become a typical journey for everyone.. where you get married at a certain age.. have babies by this age.. do this and that, all the expectatons..RIGHT? 

I used to argue with my boyfriend because he's still in school and it felt like i'm just waiting for him so my life can finally START. 

I was selfish.

I think about MY future too much that i forgot about his plans.. our plans.. 

I gave him an ultimatum numerous times that if he doesn't graduate at this age, i will break up with him.. that I want to get married at this age, and that I want to have babies by 30..

And that almost ruined our relationship. 

My mindset is clouded by WHAT I WANT IN LIFE, what about what he wants in life? 

Heck, I've seen couples get married in their 30's, have babies around that age and still be happy with their lives. 

Life is NOT A RACE.It never was. I have to always remember that line because it's the every day small gestures and moments that actually matter in life. 

Right now, I still feel lost though. I hate this feeling- but it's okay. Some days I wish I can do something crazy with my life like move to New York or do travel nursing for now, go back to school, go to Europe- I don't know. Maybe I am still trying to figure out who I am.

I guess when I moved out of my parent's house, I didn't just leave the place where i grew up from, I left a big part of who I was. 

And it is during these times when I walk this path alone that I start to redefine and find myself.

Honestly, with all these, I never regret the decisions i made in my life as it has molded me into the person that I am right now. I am thankful for the opportunities of growth presented to me in this whole "adulthood journey". 

Maybe this quarter-life crisis is not really a stage that I have to pass, you know? Maybe it's more of a transition process that I just have to incorporate myself with. Maybe in those times I feel lost, or when I ask myself "What the heck im doing?" is where i can find the answers to where I want to be.

Dancing in the rain.

Tonight as I sit here in the report room, I think about all the decisions i made in the past year. I look at my report sheet from work and this quote got to me: "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain". 

  The past three months have been a struggle. financially, physically and emotionally. I think the long hours of driving are the worst, and it's slowly getting in to me. I sit behind the wheel for four straight hours drowning myself w/ deeper thoughts about life goals, what am i doing?, what is life? etc.

It's exhausting. 

I don't live in my apartment. I only go here to sleep.The furnitures I bought, they are untouched, collecting dust in the mere three months of owning them. The television.. I can't remember the last time I turned it on. Was it food network i was watching? Was it when I played a game of call of duty? I honestly don't remember. 

I always try to look at bright side though. I look around my apartment, and I know I own every single thing i have in this place. I take pride in knowing that I can financially support myself at this age. I have learned to cook from whatever ingredients I have in the pantry. I learned to eat leftover chinese food for 2 days. I learned that going out, driving out alone on a weekend is not so bad after all. Solitude became my temporary bestfriend. I learned that life is tough when you have to pay your own bills. I dread every 1st of the month because I know a big chunk of money will be taken off from my bank account to pay for rent. I learned to buy things  not just because they are on sale, but because I need them.  I learned that curtains are the best gift you will ever receive if you want a good night sleep after 3-4 long 12 hour night shifts.

I learned that in order to build and maintain relationships, you have to build bridges, not walls. 

Not only was I able to learn a lot in the past three months, but I became more grateful. I am thankful for Skype, text messages and technology in general. I am thankful for my car, without it I won't be able to go places. I am thankful for my new job. I have met amazing nurses. I am thankful for the nurses who have precepted me and those took me under their wing. Those who makes the shift go by faster. Those who bring food. Those who help me admit at the end of the shift.  I am thankful for the ones who eat their young as well. Without them, I will not able to see my mistakes and to motivate myself to become better.

I am thankful for a loving family. They bring me homecooked meals when they visit me and they remind me that home is not that far away. I am thankful for Jeff, for always being there even if he is hundred miles away. He is my rock, and I think that a lot of the things that I am doing is for our future together. 

These things- the lessons, the privileges, the blessings, the struggles of living on my own. This is my storm. 

Many times, we are faced with circumstances where we need to go through a rough path to get to our destination. Many times we just can't wait for the storm to pass. 

But it is through all these hardships that we learn and we come better a person. We build the foundation to make us more resilient to more upcoming storms.  We might as well enjoy it and learn to "dance in the rain"

Like what someone said "it is not the destination, but the journey that matters".

Beginning.

Instead of resolutions, i set goals for myself every year.

My goals for 2014 are:

• Read more books  (atleast 5) 
• Save up for school for 2015 
• Travel to NY 
• Travel to at least 5 places out of the state 
• get a gym membership and lift heavier weights 
• meet  new friends 
• blog more 
• get to platinum division in league of legends
• do volunteer work 
• donate blood 
• learn a new language 
• be closer to my cousins 
• go to Warped Tour 
• become a better nurse 

May this year be as fruitful as last years! Happy new year to everyone!