It's the journey.

Some days, i crave for something to enrich my soul, rekindle my passion or just to feel a little more human.

Today, I am re-reading one of my favorite books "The Alchemist"just to remind me that it's not always the destination that matters in life.

Imbalance

Psychiatry is probably one of  the areas I am weak at as far as dealing with patients.

 I always thought of myself as a very empathetic person, but i feel like im one of those nurses who would rather deal with physical exhaustion than emotional/mental one. That is why (i even said this before), I can never be a Psych Nurse.

 The problem is because i connect with other people easily and i can  put myself in their shoes, and it hurts me.

Growing up in the Philippines, I have always thought that other countries make a big deal of mental health illnesses. I was raised to believe that just because someone feels depressed- doesn't mean they have depression, which is probably true in some cases. And i really hated it when people call someone "bipolar" just because that person is moody. I thought it was very offensive.

But i learned and i knew all along that our mood, emotions are all linked to our body's chemistry. Certain neurotransmitters/hormones (dopamine, serotonin etc) regulate and coordinate  the way feel. And if there's an imbalance, (just how it is for a other illnesses like Hypertension, diabetes), you're not going to feel/be normal. (what is normal, anyways? lol)

I still do feel though that there are instances in our life where we are allowed to be "imbalanced" in some way. We're humans after all. The feelings that we feel and how we react to situations makes us what we are- humans. I feel like most people falter into the deep hole of mental illness because of the combination of bad coping strategies, poor support system and a series of mishaps in life.

Don't get me wrong, i don't judge people who are diagnosed with mental health illness. Mental Health illness, just like with any other illnesses have to be going on for awhile (talking about months, years....) in order to have a proper diagnosis.

I just wish that everyone can buy that time to feel better and put get their balance back when something bad happens in their life. 

Whole point of this post i guess is:
1. Everyone comes from all walks of life and go through different types of hell, so don't judge.
2. Mental health is as important as physical health
3. It's always important to have good coping strategies and support system in life
-- and if  you have them, don't forget to seek for them when you're feeling low/sad. (This blog is my outlet. ;])

Hah, this post is random but psychiatry lectures for grad school got me to look back at my post 6 years ago about my Psych rotations when i was still in nursing school.

There's beauty in chaos

Had the craziest shift today in Cardiac ICU taking care of a really sick patient who was on ECMO. No matter how many times i say that I hated going to work, i really love the beauty in chaos that happens in the ICU. Code blue, christmas tree of IV pumps, alarms going off every second, labeled tubings, ventilators, nonstop blood transfusions, saving lives.. I have always dreamed of myself as a critical care nurse & even though im on my venture to a new career, i know i will always be one

Stardust

We have calcium in our bones, iron in our veins, carbon in our souls, and nitrogen in our brains. 93 percent stardust, with souls made of flames, we are all just stars that have people names. -Nikita Gill

Sad songs.

When it gives you both sadness and comfort at the same time.

Idle

I hate being idle.

Idle times call for idle thoughts.

and usually... idle thoughts are bad.

Dying Flame

"When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision.

You have to work out whether your roots are to become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

Because this is what love is.

  Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No ... don't blush. I am telling you some truths.

 For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is!" -Louis de Bernières

Home

The laundry is done and folded nicely. Kitchen counter top is spot clean, dishes are put away and my next meal is ready. It smells like warm, crisp autumn leaves freshly fallen off an old the tree.

Reminiscent Air Supply songs playing in the background..

It's a scary and comforting thought that as I grow older, the more I see my mother in me.

New Beginnings

"Boredom so often follows contentment. Contentment (or at least its low-grade substitute, comfort) is not meant to be a fixture. It is like a sunbeam… never lingering, just passing through. We cannot hold it forever in our hands. 

Here I am once again, feeling that itch that comes after enjoying a prolonged period of having almost everything I need.

I think I’m ready for the unpredictable again.."

My life frustrations at the moment.

The only way i really feel better and being able to express myself is through words. Words that are not necessarily intended for someone. Through writing, i feel a sense of ease, like something huge is lifted off my shoulder.

Lately, I have been feeling very... lost. 

I know I am not myself if i don't  feel like I give 110% of what i have to the things i do.

Graduate school has been a blur lately.

Often times, I try to REALLY convince myself it's just a phase. I was in denial. I just needed to rekindle my passion.

I think it has a lot to do w/ giving up the things in life that makes me happy. It's not easy.

I find myself questioning WHY.

Why did i do this? Why did i quit my job? Why did i move away from family?

And it sucks you know? Because we always make life decisions with the thought that it will all be worth it in the end.

I am currently in a hanging bridge and the unpredictable path is killing me in the inside.

Where do i go after this? What would i do? What now? 

I HATE UNCERTAINTY.

I have always had my life planned.

Now, i still question a lot. and maybe, that's okay. 

It's a cycle I must overcome..

Enough.

I am drinking my mimosa as i am writing this post.

 When i first heard of the word "burnt out", I never thought that it was something that I would actually experience as nurse..well, because I love nursing. I love being a nurse. I love my patients, I love the adrenaline, and I love the idea of caring for people and saving lives.

Last night, I almost broke down at work. I dreaded last night's shift. I felt like I carried a large elephant on my shoulder as i stepped out of my apartment. It was heavy.

The past shifts i had were rough. Rough, not in the sense that I was walking around the unit non-stop and being physically exhausted. It was mentally draining. I've had crazy patients before but I felt like everything has bottled up and it was ready to explode.

Not letting these emotions out earlier has probably made the feeling worse. I thought i could handle it.

I go to work every day with the thought that I can conquer everything, then i go home and i get slapped with the reality that i can't fix everything. I can't go home ALL the time with patients less crazy, less angry, less in pain, and less sick.

I am starting to hate work, and i hate that.

Maybe i just haven't had that one patient who truly appreciates what i do. Maybe because it's that time of the month again and i feel slightly more emotional. Maybe i am just tired. Maybe I just needed to vent about this. Maybe i just need a drink. Maybe.

Either way, writing about this makes me feel better. It's like throwing my anger and frustrations out in the universe. It brings order into my thoughts.

 I don't have to burden someone by having them listen to my ramblings about a patient who calls me a "b*tch", a patient who's moaning and in a lot of pain and I can't help, a family member who's frustrated and scared..

I had to take the day off work today, because I need to. I need some time off to recuperate, rethink, rekindle and remember why I got myself in this profession in the first place.

Very Timely.

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Chesire cat in a tree.

"Which road do I take?" she asked.

Where do you want to go?" was his response.

"I don't know," Alice answered.

"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

End of the tunnel

"There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights"

-Stroker, Dracula

Baby Steps

I can't believe that 2014 is over. I know that it's cliche, but time really does fly by fast. 2015 is finally here.

With a new year comes new opportunies for growth.

2014 has been a rollercoaster ride for me. The feeling of losing something that was/is important to me was painful (still hurting). I have lost loved ones and friendships. I realized that not even intangible things are permanent. There are just some broken things that cant be mended by the word "sorry". At the same time, the feeling of a new path ahead and new experiences has lifted up my spirit. The crazy yin-yang of life. Why do we have to hurt to learn?

On another thought,why do i have to be so damn emotional, empathetic at this time of the month? (gosh i hate being a woman sometimes)

After the passing of my grandma last October, i felt really shattered. Two months after, my grandpa joined her in paradise. I was devastated. Miserable. I was barely recovering from the pain, and i felt like i just took another bullet shot to the chest. How do you get up from being thrown down twice? I was lost.

I didn't feel motivated to do anything productive. I lost interest in working out, eating healthy, and going out of the house (cold weather and living far from family and jeff didn't help as well). All i wanted to do is lay down in my bed for hours, play videogames and be alone. I think this was the first time in a long time when i actually felt depressed about something. And i hated talking about it with someone because in my mind, i didn't want to bother my loved ones with such silly, indulgent conversation. In the process of fighting my own battles, I felt like I have pushed some people away. Those who wanted to care and who wanted to get me out of the trap that i have created myself. It sucked.

Anyways, i feel a little better now. Just like any wounds, my broken self needed time to heal.

I welcome the new year with new hopes for experiences that will help me become a better, stronger person. I might be taking baby steps, but atleast I am walking forward..

It was meant to be.

I have a strong feeling that God really does work wonders.

My parents came today to help me look for apartments. After 2 days of driving around, calling property managements and scheduling appointments, I was about ready to just give up.

Then this morning, I found a unit that was close to my work, cheaper and in fairly safe neighborhood. I put in my application and hopefully, will get a call tomorrow telling me that I'm approved. *crosses fingers*

Apartment Hunting SUCKS

Actually it is the thought of moving.. for now.

I don't know how military families do it.

When i moved to America almost 10 years ago, I thought that that was one of the hardest transition and adaptation i have to do in my life by far. I had to leave my highschool friends, relatives, childhood, and memories behind. I was only 16 back then, and I felt like i just flipped a new book in my life.

Since then, moving from house to house seemed a little easier. I guess it was because we did it as a team, as a family. Looking back, it was actually a blur of how we were able to move all our stuff from our old house to the one we have right now. It was like magic!

Then i had to grow up and move out of my parent's house. Now, I have to do the moving mostly on my own. I thought that I was going to stay in my first apartment for a long time. But a year later today, here i am, at my wits end trying to find a cheap, decent new home.

As we grow, our needs grow as well. Expectations changed and we have to keep on moving forward.

Apartment Hunting.

This has been my home for the past year. I decorated it with my mom. I furnished it during the first week. 

Growing up, I have seen how my mother was. She takes pride in knowing that the things she own, she bought with her hard-earned money. 

I might have gone overboard on my first apartment. I know some people told me "You could've saved a lot of money by rooming with someone else",  "You shouldn't have furnished your first apartment like that". etc. 

The thing is, I am a grown woman. I have a career. I don't want to deprive myself from owning the things I like to own. I like going home to a place like this after a long night at work. 

Although I am in the process of finding another apartment right now, I am glad that I was able to spend my first year moving out of my parent's house in an apartment like this. :) 

With plans changed, more bills to cover and tuition fees coming up, I need to be little more practical with money.

The apartment hunting will once again commence... 

Back to Reality.

Woke up today looking for mosquito bites and checking to see if breakfast is ready..then woke up again and realized I have to cook my own food and I have to go to work already. 3 weeks went by so fast!

Back in Murica. I don't like the feeling of going back to work after a long stretch of days off. I feel like i need to be reoriented in the unit. haha. I almost forgot how to work. ;) Anyone else feel the same?

Come fill my shoe.

This post is heart breaking, as it is a slap of reality.

Months ago, before my trip to the Philippines, I had requested vacation hours for July at work so I can celebrate my Lola (grandmother)'s 90'th birthday. It was supposed to be a big reunion on my father's side of the family.

 A couple of months before her big day, my lola fell and broke her hips.

With a family mostly working in the medical field, you would think that surgery wouldn't be an option for a frail, elderly woman like my lola. We are all aware of the complications of the hip surgery at her age, and had it been someone else's grandmother, I would've said... "it's too risky".

But she's my grandmother. She's my dad's mother. The thought of leaving her bed-ridden in pain is worse than the possible drawbacks of  the surgery.

So we went ahead with the procedure. Thankfully, she did well.

And today, we celebrated her 90th birthday in the hospital. It's one of those bittersweet moments. I am grieved to see my lola in this condition; in pain and slightly confused. But at the same time, I am  elated that most of my cousins, all coming from different parts of the world are all here, in one room, to celebrate her birthday.

Happy 90th birthday, Lola. May you have more birthdays to come!

Quarter Life Crisis

I am now on my second cup of coffee, and it's only 9:20pm. 

I feel the urge to write, because unlike a normal person who turns to a friend and a cup of vodka when they are baffled with life decisions , I express myself better when i scribble my thoughts.

Lately, not sure if it's hormonal or not (it's the time of the month), that I have been feeling unhappy. 

Most of the time, i prefer to actually just be alone and drown myself with a tub of ice cream and sappy songs. (God, im so freaking emotional) 

For some reason today, i looked up the term "quarter-life crisis"

Figured, i need to do find some explanation as to why I am feeling this way. LOL. 

There was an article that i came across and it's entitled "10 signs you are having quarter-life ccrisis". I read the article, i nodded to most of it and realized that 75% of the content applies to me right now. 

Is that normal?

Honestly, i think i have OCD. obsessive comparison disorder. I rarely get on my facebook anymore because people my age are posting about their weddings, engagements, having babies etc... No, I am not jealous of them, in fact, I am glad for them. I think it's just I have this devil inside my head asking me "How about you? What are you doing? you're supposed to be like that too". 

Sometimes I wish I am not as obsessive with a SET future. 

Ever since I was a kid, I have always laid out a blue print of what my life will become, what roads I have to take, who I want to be. And there's nothing wrong with having goals in life. It's just for me, I tend to expect that in this rollercoaster ride of a life- that it will turn out exactly how i planned it all along. 

AND IT NEVER DOES. 

I question now, since when did life become a typical journey for everyone.. where you get married at a certain age.. have babies by this age.. do this and that, all the expectatons..RIGHT? 

I used to argue with my boyfriend because he's still in school and it felt like i'm just waiting for him so my life can finally START. 

I was selfish.

I think about MY future too much that i forgot about his plans.. our plans.. 

I gave him an ultimatum numerous times that if he doesn't graduate at this age, i will break up with him.. that I want to get married at this age, and that I want to have babies by 30..

And that almost ruined our relationship. 

My mindset is clouded by WHAT I WANT IN LIFE, what about what he wants in life? 

Heck, I've seen couples get married in their 30's, have babies around that age and still be happy with their lives. 

Life is NOT A RACE.It never was. I have to always remember that line because it's the every day small gestures and moments that actually matter in life. 

Right now, I still feel lost though. I hate this feeling- but it's okay. Some days I wish I can do something crazy with my life like move to New York or do travel nursing for now, go back to school, go to Europe- I don't know. Maybe I am still trying to figure out who I am.

I guess when I moved out of my parent's house, I didn't just leave the place where i grew up from, I left a big part of who I was. 

And it is during these times when I walk this path alone that I start to redefine and find myself.

Honestly, with all these, I never regret the decisions i made in my life as it has molded me into the person that I am right now. I am thankful for the opportunities of growth presented to me in this whole "adulthood journey". 

Maybe this quarter-life crisis is not really a stage that I have to pass, you know? Maybe it's more of a transition process that I just have to incorporate myself with. Maybe in those times I feel lost, or when I ask myself "What the heck im doing?" is where i can find the answers to where I want to be.