I have this yearning for an outlet to let out my emotions, thoughts without the fear of being judged/criticized.
Lately, actually on most nights I stay up.. doing nothing.. I have been thinking a lot. It's quite odd how I always resort to thinking whenever I have nothing else to do. About so many things, mostly about the future.
I fear the unknown. I fear venturing out to unfamiliar places. Don't get me wrong, don't take this rambling literally.. What I really mean is I hate going on about life without a plan.
My friends call me a "planning nazi". I find comfort knowing where I am going or what I will be doing. It sets out a path for me, a familiar one to journey on without the worry of getting lost. When things don't fall through, I panic. I lose control. I hate that feeling.
My plan in life is to not become stagnant. I like progress. I crave for new experiences. I don't want to be one place for a long time, doing nothing or doing the same things. It makes me feel that I am not attaining anything in life. Makes me feel unproductive.
I hate being like a stagnant water, collecting debris, breeding ground for diseases, poisoned by the harsh chemicals of acid rain.. never branching off, never moving.
Sometimes at work, I feel the same. I dread nights when I am not busy. It makes my time go by slow. I look at the clock, and what feels like a lifetime is just an hour. It makes me feel that I am not learning anything. I complained about this to one of my co-workers and she told me "Enjoy nights like this, because it doesn't happen very often".
They say that every experience, big or small in your life changes you in ways you never know and that in life, every second counts.. whether you are doing something or not.
I recently found out that stagnant water are among the richest environments in terms of life form. From the outside, it looks dull and filthy, but inside grows microscopic multicellular organisms that are the best specimen to study on how life grows.
I think in those moments, where we feel stagnant.. we actually are able to gather up all our thoughts, sort them out so we can keep on moving on with life. I don't think there's anyone in this world who flows, endlessly 24/7. It just seems impossible. If you do, you will feel exhaustion, burnt out.
I guess in those moments at work when I am not busy that I cherish moments when I can sit down and rest (totally makes up for those nights when I have to transfuse 1000x blood and running around the unit). and I guess days/nights when I feel like a stagnant water.. like tonight (when I am actually doing nothing but think) that I grow. I am productive, after all.
