I am now on my second cup of coffee, and it's only 9:20pm.
I feel the urge to write, because unlike a normal person who turns to a friend and a cup of vodka when they are baffled with life decisions , I express myself better when i scribble my thoughts.
Lately, not sure if it's hormonal or not (it's the time of the month), that I have been feeling unhappy.
Most of the time, i prefer to actually just be alone and drown myself with a tub of ice cream and sappy songs. (God, im so freaking emotional)
For some reason today, i looked up the term "quarter-life crisis"
Figured, i need to do find some explanation as to why I am feeling this way. LOL.
There was an article that i came across and it's entitled "10 signs you are having quarter-life ccrisis". I read the article, i nodded to most of it and realized that 75% of the content applies to me right now.
Is that normal?
Honestly, i think i have OCD. obsessive comparison disorder. I rarely get on my facebook anymore because people my age are posting about their weddings, engagements, having babies etc... No, I am not jealous of them, in fact, I am glad for them. I think it's just I have this devil inside my head asking me "How about you? What are you doing? you're supposed to be like that too".
Sometimes I wish I am not as obsessive with a SET future.
Ever since I was a kid, I have always laid out a blue print of what my life will become, what roads I have to take, who I want to be. And there's nothing wrong with having goals in life. It's just for me, I tend to expect that in this rollercoaster ride of a life- that it will turn out exactly how i planned it all along.
AND IT NEVER DOES.
I question now, since when did life become a typical journey for everyone.. where you get married at a certain age.. have babies by this age.. do this and that, all the expectatons..RIGHT?
I used to argue with my boyfriend because he's still in school and it felt like i'm just waiting for him so my life can finally START.
I was selfish.
I think about MY future too much that i forgot about his plans.. our plans..
I gave him an ultimatum numerous times that if he doesn't graduate at this age, i will break up with him.. that I want to get married at this age, and that I want to have babies by 30..
And that almost ruined our relationship.
My mindset is clouded by WHAT I WANT IN LIFE, what about what he wants in life?
Heck, I've seen couples get married in their 30's, have babies around that age and still be happy with their lives.
Life is NOT A RACE.It never was. I have to always remember that line because it's the every day small gestures and moments that actually matter in life.
Right now, I still feel lost though. I hate this feeling- but it's okay. Some days I wish I can do something crazy with my life like move to New York or do travel nursing for now, go back to school, go to Europe- I don't know. Maybe I am still trying to figure out who I am.
I guess when I moved out of my parent's house, I didn't just leave the place where i grew up from, I left a big part of who I was.
And it is during these times when I walk this path alone that I start to redefine and find myself.
Honestly, with all these, I never regret the decisions i made in my life as it has molded me into the person that I am right now. I am thankful for the opportunities of growth presented to me in this whole "adulthood journey".
Maybe this quarter-life crisis is not really a stage that I have to pass, you know? Maybe it's more of a transition process that I just have to incorporate myself with. Maybe in those times I feel lost, or when I ask myself "What the heck im doing?" is where i can find the answers to where I want to be.
